Revisitation: How to Remember Someone Fondly

Originally published December 12th, 2004, via LiveJournal.

Do you know what’s really great?

When two people end a relationship, they usually end up thinking the worst of each other. (And usually this is after about a two week period where they TRY to remain “just friends” and they find that it doesn’t work.) This ends up destroying all of the beautiful memories that they had of each other. All they can think of when they think of the other person are all the bad times…the fights, the tears, the inconsideration.

And, I mean, that’s really great and all…

But what is even better is when you can remember the good through all the bad. Sure, they “are a dick now” (and this view will usually change to oh, they’re alright in about a year or so), but we also had some good times. I try to carry at least one overly positive memory with me from every failed relationship I have been in, to “keep it real.” And yes, FAILED relationships. If they had been anything but “failed”, they would be going on yet today. And even for the pseudo-relationships or hook-ups that ended badly: there is still at least that ONE really good memory that you can look back at, to keep it alive in your head that “hey, we associated with each other because we TRULY enjoyed each other’s company at one time.”

With Mike, I remember this time at a party Erik had when Mike was really drunk and I was pissed. (I didn’t drink and was very against it…HA HA HA). I was so mad at him, but then we were standing by the pool and that song “Shimmer” by Fuel came on and all of a sudden he smiled really big and grabbed me. He pulled me out by the gazebo and made me DANCE, while he had this huge smile on his face. And the gazebo was all lit w/ white christmas lights and that was cool. For Chad, I remember that time when we were in the “what is our status stage?” and we were outside of his house and his neighbor was outside and she asked if he was my boyfriend and he said yes, and then looked at me smiled. Lame, but they are those kind of moments. And sad but true, just about every moment with Terry was a good moment.

And then this brings me to my next tangent:

I am having a really hard time grasping the idea of commitment now. When I was in highschool and early college it made sense: I like you! You like me! We should be together! BUT WHY?!??! It seems really lame to me now. I can’t imagine being committed to just one person unless I am “in love” with them. If you aren’t “in love” or see “a forever future” with someone, then why the hell be with only them? I remember in highschool when I heard “Popular” by Nada Surf I was appalled by the “one month limit to going steady.” But now I am appalled with the idea of being committed to someone for a long time when you aren’t in love or can foresee a future with them. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I suggest a two-month limit of dating, and if you aren’t in love with them by that point, slow it down and see other people! God!!! What is the point in restricting yourself from meeting other people if you’re not sure you love the person you are with or can’t imagine spending at leat 5 years with them?!??!?!?!?!??!?!

* * *

About this post: When looking through my old LiveJournal for new Flashback Friday fodder, I found this post and felt it stood alone and was worth revisiting. This is something I will do from time to time. I made no changes to the original content other than removing someone’s last name (google searches are a bitch).

New Year

With a new year comes the pressure to lay out your detailed plans for change–“I will do this instead of that; I will no longer do this . . . ”

Well, I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I’m going to focus on being better.  In any way possible, but not every way.  If an opportunity comes along, I will take it instead of talking about how I can go about doing it.  I’m not going to restrict myself to goals that I’ll break anyway . . . If changes happen, they will be discussed.

So, here we go–to being better.

Problems.

I edit myself far too much lately.  Not out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or for letting too much out in the open, but for fear of not presenting the best possible version of something.  And then I’ll just let go of the thought of editing–throw out everything I’ve produced into the open.  That way, I think to myself, I can’t be judged too harshly as I don’t think it’s the best myself.

How do I end this?  How do I start creating quality without editing it to death, or not editing enough? Where is the happy medium?

And what form do I want to put my thoughts in? Writing? Drawing? Photography? Music?  I’ll go one direction and when I’m not 100% pleased right away, I switch to another–not necessarily quitting, but changing.

I need a goal, I need a purpose, I need a medium, I need a center.

The Cat Whisperer

ORIGINALLY POSTED MAY 29TH, 2002

last night while i was playing with the kittens, my grandma asked me a question that really made me stop and think:

what happened to the little girl who tamed kittens?

it was just a silly question, looking back on how i used to be obsessed with taming kittens and spent endless summer hours concocting new ways to tame kittens, but it made me realize something about myself.

during my childhood, all I cared about doing was finding “wild” stray cats and turning them into domestic, purring, furballs. and i had one helluva success rate.

i would spend days on end in my backyard at the heap of rubble from where our barn burnt down. that was where the stray cat had had her kittens. they were the cutest little litter…but they had never seen humans and their mother had a wild streak to her. Shortly before they were of weaning age, their mother got hit by a car, leaving the litter of four all alone. i took them in, although they refused to let me near them or touch them. days and days would go by where i would just sit out there with a saucer of milk; reaching my hands out towards them and trying to imitate their mother’s mews. that summer i had more scratches than anyone i knew…but i still went on…

to make the story short, by the end of the summer they were eating out of my hands. they would run to me whenever i came near and jump all over me. one was living in my house.

throughout my childhood, i tamed several cats. i became known as the girl with the gift for taming even the wildest kitten My parents’ friends would even pay me for my services…

the point of all this?

well, i don’t tame kittens anymore, but i am still that same girl.

i have just moved from kittens to people.

i try so hard to have same effect on people that i once had on kittens, to be able to tame them, to get them to open up to me and to have some sort of reliance on me.

maybe i should just go back to taming kittens…

Worker Productivity Experiment

Yesterday, I decided to run a little experiment . . . on myself.  Yes, due to this my methodology was flawed, but if you hear me out you will see my awareness of the experiment was a part of it.

During college, I started as a psychology major.  I wanted to enter the field of industrial/organizational psychology.  Essentially, this field is dedicated to the study of the workplace–performance, ergonomics, compensation, etc.  What makes a happy worker?  What makes a productive worker?  However, the class was awful, due mostly to being taught by an adjunct who just did not do a good job teaching the subject matter.  I decided to move on to economics, a major I found more challenging yet still addressed many of the issues I was interested in but in different terms (supply/demand, equilibrium, etc.).

Yesterday, I decided to document a day at work.  My job environment is a little different–I have no coworkers and no accountability.  I am a very efficient worker who gets things done the right way the first time, and ahead of schedule.  But still . . . will I be able to transition to a work environment where I have coworkers, shared space, and deadlines that effect more than just a few people?  How much time do I “waste” doing non-work functions?  Is that time actually wasted if I still perform my job well?  Will I be able to cope in an environment without as much freedom as I now have?

I set up my laptop on the far end of my office and set my webcam on “time lapse.”  True, it wouldn’t document every minute of my “work,” but it would give me a vision of my day in just a few seconds.  I can’t post the video because some of my judges stopped by my office (and it’s also VERY boring).

What did I learn?  Not a whole lot.  I check my phone too much, but I knew that.  I sit awkwardly, which my neck/shoulder problems have already let me know.  I have the attention span of a hyperactive third-grader.  But yet I manage to manage my time efficiently and churn out excellent work product after work product.  Will I be able to transfer that to a more “conventional” work environment?  I hope so.

Another “element” of the experiment was seeing how being held accountable (being watched) would effect my productivity.  It made me a little nervous and definitely more aware of what I was doing, but I didn’t notice any real difference.  I still got done what I told myself I would get done that day. 

Lesson learned?  I’ll leave the experimentation to real scientists and the scientific method.  As for my productivity, I can see areas where I can improve, but I am apparently doing something right.  When it comes time to start a new work environment, I will take it as it comes and assume I will transition nicely.  If I don’t, then I will have learned that is not the best environment for me and I will take steps to seek employment in a suitable environment.