I have a confession to make: I am boy crazy for the first time in a looong time. Or, at least, that’s probably what it seems like to everyone lately. I’ve been flirting like there’s no tomorrow, “hitting on” my friends, and talking a lot about “dudes” in my tweets.
But . . . there’s more to it.
It’s not so much that I am reverting in maturity to a boy crazy junior high schooler. No, there’s more to it. I do, however, admit to a bit of a reversion lately (drinking more on the weekends, staying up late, etc.).
Again, there’s more to it.
First, a little background. I’ll cut straight to the more recent history. In college, I was very confident in myself. While I knew I was not the prettiest, or skinniest, girl, I knew that I could still go after whatever (or whoever) I wanted. And so I did. I’m not saying I would throw myself at men, or that I would approach anyone. Rather, if I was interested in someone, I didn’t automatically discredit the idea–I would pursue the idea. Sometimes I would be “succesful,” other times I would fail. And of course there were the times where I would fail MISERABLY. But the point? I was trying, and I was putting myself out there. Nothing was out of reach if I wanted it bad enough.
Some where along the line, this all changed. I lost my confidence. I began to focus more on my failures–or prospective failures–and as a result, stopped trying. I no longer saw myself as desirable and if anyone expressed interest in me, I would assume they were either: a) joking, or b) a fetishist. I stopped caring about how I looked, and as a result of not caring stopped making any effort to look “presentable.” I still had friends and still had good times (some of the best, actually) but I didn’t have a single “crush” and didn’t have a single “prospect.”
I considered myself to be hopeless.
But that’s all beginning to change.
I’ve spoken of this already, but the main inspiration for my surgery was to get my confidence back. I wanted to feel comfortable in my body again. I wanted to feel like I could be desirable again. And so I went to that doctor, after having worked on losing the excess weight I had gained during my “I’m not worthy” stage, and had the weight lifted off my chest. Almost literally.
And now it’s all beginning to come back to me.
The first step was to start having crushes again. For so long, I thought crushes were futile–they would never “go anywhere” and I would just get hurt. Well, who cares about getting hurt?! You’re not going to accomplish anything if you never even try. So I got my back off the wall and decided to start “looking.”
Then, I jazzed up my wardrobe. I bought clothes that actually fit and that I felt comfortable in. I cut my hair, finally. I started taking care of me for once.
It’s been almost three months since my surgery and there’s already a difference. And not just the physical difference. I am putting myself out there. I am working on my goals. I am flirting (albeit a little too much sometimes–sorry if you have been one of my “victims,” ha ha!). I am viewing myself differently.
So, if you’ve noticed a change lately, you are right. And if I get a little annoying, just let me know, okay?!