Originally published March 20th, 2004.
Cass’ entry last night has caused for me to think about drinking. More specifically: why do I drink?
In highschool, I was basically the last of my friends to drink (mostly due to the fact that I was friends with pretty much everyone, so there were the super-students / super-christians who would “never drink”).
I had a boyfriend in highschool who drank. My first boyfriend never drank and never wanted to, so it never became an issue. But my second boyfriend drank. I told him I hated it and he still did it. I told him I couldn’t be with him if he drank, but he still did. Even after his obsession with drinking led to him and one of my best friends getting expelled from school…on a related tangent, freshman year of hs 4 of my “best friends” got expelled after bringing strawberry daquiris to gym class…ANYWAYS…I remember there was a time when I actually began to “accept” his drinking…we were at a party and he was drunk and we were outside in the pool and the song “Shimmer” by Fuel came on and he jumped out of the pool and grabbed me, screaming “I LOVE THIS SONG!!!” He pulled me by the hand and out in to the yard, where we danced next to the gazebo to that song…it was such a simple moment that the sweetness of it all made me forget he was drunk…
Jump forward a few months and we break up. No big deal, it was coming anyways.
It was also the spring of my senior year. And everywhere there were parties and “places to drink”. Lo and behold, I became the biggest fucking hypocrite and had drinks. I would not drink anymore than like one beer at a time though as I feared “losing control” and was scared of what being drunk would feel like.
In a way, you can say I started to drink as a “revenge mechanism”…which sucks to say. I wanted to show my ex that I was over him by drinking, something that used to be painful to even think about. GEE I AM SMART. And end of highschool conformity issues probably did not help too much. ;)
As I started to drink, I realized I could get away with things I couldn’t when I was “sober”. Boys would kiss me, and I gained “more” friends. If I did something that could be considered embarrassing (and believe me, I ALWAYS DID…fall over, run into something, etc.) it wouldn’t be that big of a deal at school since I was “drinking”.
The first time I got truly drunk was the night after graduation at our SENIOR PARTY. 7 kegs and bands and almost everyone I graduated with…YIKES. I stayed up the whole night and made out with the boy I had a crush on, along with another who I didn’t. I realized that even though I was “drunk”, I could still somewhat control myself to “get what I want”.
So, second mechanism drinking served: TOOL FOR GETTING WHAT I WANT WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK TOO HARD/MAKE EXCUSES
As the summer progressed, I tried to fine tune this “skill” of controlled drunkenness, but of course right before school started I lost all control and blacked out and something horrible happened. I stopped drinking for about a month, as this was really serious.
But college started and eventually, I found myself having a drink…I mean, it is COLLLEEEEGGGGEEE after all. Freshman year I was a DRUNK. Sophomore year, didn’t drink too much but I had also started the year off dating Chad, who didn’t approve of me drinking so I didn’t to keep him happy (JUMP FORWARD: we break up, he has his first drink). After we broke up I didn’t drink for awhile. I rarely drank that year, and when I did…it was with my GIRLS. Yes, I drank in a small environment with only my closest friends. We would make each other laugh and do crazy things….it was great. :) Junior year…didn’t really drink too much until I stumbled across Boone’s…was hanging out with diff people and drinking became more and more common…led to me getting ticketed for minor consumption (YAY)…became 21…drinking was a “rite of passage”..started going to the bars and buying lots of alcohol to make my friends happy…liked the bars…it was a way to get past being shy…senior year….drunk all over again.
I prefer to only drink in environments that I can “control”. I hate being out of control and in a way am a “control freak” when it comes to myself. Sometimes tension builds up and I feel like I need to “lose control”…this happens maybe twice a year and ends up in me drinking too fast to know when to stop and me getting sick. Now I drink more for boredom than social acceptance. totally boredom all the way. But I do know that I have had some of my most fun times this year when I was completely sober. I do know that I don’t have to drink to have fun, and yet I see myself with a drink in my hand. I know that this school year and summer are my last chances to even come close to being irresponsible so I am also using that as an excuse I guess…blah. heh heh.
I have had a lot of really bad experiences from drinking and yet I continue to do it. It baffles me, but at the same time…it’s somewhat expected. Why do I do it? I guess sometimes I just can’t think of anything else to do or need an excuse for something.