What I Said During the Second Half of the 2012 NCAA Basketball Championship Game

There was one thing I really wanted out of this season of college of basketball, and that was for Kentucky to lose. I don’t like it when people start saying in NOVEMBER a certain team is going to win . . . and then they do. Where’s the excitement in being the favorite?! I want the upsets! I want the butterflies! I want the standouts!


(Yes, I selfishly selected One Shining Moment from 1987 because, you know, HOOSIERS.)

As I sat and watched the game while impatiently sipping my Angry Juice (aka gin & tonic), I jotted down everything I said during the second half. Kansas almost made a comeback, and emotions were all over the board. Mostly due to the Angry Juice.

Without further ado, I present to you: Things I Said during the  Second Half of the NCAA Basketball Championship Game (while sipping my angry juice):

Play like big boys.

That was nice.

Are you kidding me?!

Slow it down.


Play smart.

Come on!

Ok, we hit 30.



This is not volleyball!

I wouldn’t want to disappoint him . . . he has a lot of compassion.

*inaudible yelp*

Set it up.


Where are you?!

F’ing asshole.

I can’t wait until ONE SHINING MOMENT.

He seems wholesome.

Such a nice boy.

I think he keeps his brows like that so he is not distracted by women.

Why don’t you help each other out a little bit more?!

OH OH OH OH OH OH you’re just going to leave him f’ing alone?!

Think about what you’re doing.

Oh you’re just going to hand it to him?!

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok . . .

Thank you.


The momentum has been . . . ok.

*head nod head nod*

Yeah, that was a good, that was a good.

Keep the momentum alive!



Sometimes I don’t know what to say.

Look! They’ve scored!

*blows kiss at coach*

Oh the rim?! REALLY?T THE RIM?!?!?!?!

God they can’t miss!

That’s what’s exciting about basketball: it’s never over.

That was nice.

*mimics free throw*

Go back to high school!

Yup yup yup–more of that, more of that.

Eight minutes is an eternity.

*disbelief face*


You’re like freaking preschoolers.

This is the biggest job interview of your lives, little boys!

How about you SUCK IT, Kentucky?!

Quit saying perverted things, announcers!

That was good.



Yeah suck it!

Gross. Mouthguard.

Within nine!



Calm down.

Oh really? Don’t you remember they make every three?!


Are you scared?

You do NOT let them shoot threes . . . but thank you for getting that.

That’s interference of some sort!

Almost! That would have been amazing. Keep it up!

AHHH! You’re not invincible.


Not to those white people!

Don’t cheer too early!

Don’t cry too early!


Miracles miracles miracles miracles . . .

It’s mathematically possible.

Steal and three!

Gentle touches.

What if I cry during One Shining Moment because basketball is over?

You’re a fartface.

Hey snaggletooth . . .

Miracles can still happen! But they probably won’t.

Yeah, you just f’d up.

Ok you guys . . . let’s just be angry for a while. But then One Shining Moment will come on and everything will be okay.

(It didn’t. They muted the TVs right after regulation so I did not get to experience One Shining Moment in the heat of passion. It feels so incomplete, so so unsatisfying. But now I will lay in bed listening to the Lexington police scanner and pray to God those kids don’t hurt any horses.)

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