Flashback Friday

This week in the past . . . wow.  Survey done by my 18-year-old self that is painful to read (it took all my willpower not to elminate the super awful answers to some questions).  A lot of reflection that makes my insides hurt–seems to have been in a trend for this time of year.  A recap on a trip to Colorado.  More sad, emo shit.

But, sometimes we can gain the most sight from looking backwards.

March 28th, 2001 | Age: 18 | Music: Alkaline Trio – Radio

What’s your…

1. Favorite color?            mood dependent
2. Favorite animal?                   flying squirrels!
3. Favorite food?             southwestern eggrolls at Chili’s!
4. Favorite movie?           changes very often…i like roadtrip though because the pothead guy is HOT
5. Favorite pop?              don’t drink it.
6. Favorite guy names?   duke…ha ha…I think jacob is a cute little boy name.
7. Favorite girl names?    urine
8. Favorite subject in school?    psychology without a doubt.
9. Favorite flower?                    orangish roses.
10. Favorite cartoon character? hmmm…homer simpson! ha.
11. Favorite fruit?           pineapple
12. Favorite vegetable?   asparagus
13. Favorite candy?        i’ve been having those starburst hardcandies a lot.
14. Favorite teacher?      my bio teacher, Dr. Tansey, is pretty cool. he’s big fungi loving geek. :)
15. Favorite memory as a kid? all of it…playing with adam and joey and alyson all the time. :)
16. Favorite sport?                    not rollerblading. :) basketball, soccer, hockey
17. Favorite day?            friday/saturday
18. Favorite holiday?       easter!
19. Favorite magazine?   Cosmo
20. Favorite book?                    The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells…very good book!
22. Favorite stores?        American Eagle
23. Favorite season?       summer
24. Favorite outfit?                   my silver brand jeans with my new AE shirt
25. Favorite stuffed animal?     my penguin scott.
26. Favorite singers/band(s)? Jimmy eat world, get up kids, alkaline trio, the anniversery, reggie and the full effect, pedro the lion, and…nelly. ha ha.
27. Favorite time of day?          as soon as i’m done w/ all of my responsibilities!
28. Favorite perfume?     lucky you
29. Favorite shoes?                  my AE brown shoes
30. Favorite jeans?                   silver.
31. Favorite actor?                    tom hanks
32. Favorite actress?       erin in high school!
33. Favorite relative?      all!
34. Favorite salad dressing?     fat free italian
35. Favorite types of music?     todos.
36. Favorite town to chill in?     b-town baby…st. louis is fun too. :)
37. Favorite ice cream?   moosetracks!
38. Favorite family game?         scattergories!
39. Favorite sound?        oh baby! ha ha…no, not really.
40. Favorite thing to do on a weekend? chill with my elkin boys and joto gals. :)
41. Favorite author?        ME!! ha ha j/j
42. Favorite Mentos commercial? the one with the guy in the suit, and he sits on the park bench
43. Favorite brand of gum?       extra
44. Favorite Adam Sandler movie? Billy Madison
45. Favorite Jell-o flavor?          peach, but they’re better when they’re jello-shots
46. Favorite thing for the opposite sex to wear? just boxers and i love resale-shop-like shirts. hee hee.
47. Favorite cereal?         cerealtasteslikeass…that is some good cereal!
48. Favorite type of movie?       romantic comedies!
49. Favorite Spice Girl?   me, duh.
50. Favorite Seinfeld character? george. i am george. not quite.
51. Favorite Rugrats character? they all irritate me.
52. Favorite Disney character? bambi’s mom
53. Slurpee flavor?                   cherry
54. Favorite movie quotes?       can it be from one of my home videos? :) in that case, “The club soda is me in my pants.”
55. Favorite song?                    “Sorry About that” by Alkaline trio and “I wanna fuck you” by tenacious d.
56. Favorite thing to drink?      agua!
57. Favorite advice/tip you could give someone? live life to the fullest, because you only get one trip
58. Favorite commercial?          the credit card one w/ the little boy who has to pee. :)
59. Favorite activities?    writing, sleeping, partying
60. Favorite board game?         scattegories
61. Favorite smells:                  BO…yum yum.
62. Favorite things to do with free time? sleep.
63. Favorite poet?           dr. seuss
64. Favorite place to chill in?     elkin
65. Favorite place to visit?        overseas yo.
66. Favorite love song?   hmmm…i dunno…
67. Favorite country song?       “All things considered” by Yankee Gray
68. Favorite Sesame Street character? Big Bird
69. Favorite Designer Clothing? Polo, I guess
70. Favorite cheese?       colby jack
71. Favorite cartoon?      Boo
72. Favorite beer?           Bud light, corona
73. Favorite drug?                    crack…well, either that or morphine…it’s a toss-up. :)
74. Favorite animal noise?        cows having sex. ha ha.
75. Favorite letter of the alphabet? 5
76. Favorite shenanigan?         oh you know…wink wink.
77. Favorite Backstreet boy?     big bird
78. Favorite M&M?          turquoise
79. Favorite quotes?       “suck my di-yak!” or “DANGER!”
80. Favorite Room In house?    my room!
81. Favorite Person to talk to about your problems? hmm…myself. bridget, jaci, erin.
82. Favorite pair of pants?        my silvers.
83. Favorite piece of clothing? my new AE shirt
84. Favorite possession?           my mp3’s…ha ha
85. Favorite month?        it used to be march, now i do not know.
86. Favorite vacation spot?       the farm…but only with the dukester! ha ha.
87. Favorite computer font?      kissmyass.
88. Favorite All-Time Restaurant? steak and shake or olive garden
89. Favorite Car?            mine! viva la luminator!
90. Favorite Radio Station?       none
91. Favorite shape?         amoebas
92. Favorite texture?       hairgel…oooh.
93. Favorite chinese food?        lo mein…num num
94. Favorite mexican food?       tapatias? i think that’s what they are called.
95. Favorite sexual playtoy?     the mouth, nummy!
96. Favorite pick up line?          “hey, i just so happened to notice that you are a girl, and well…i’m a guy…so, let’s put two and two together…”
97. Favorite song to make out to? moby “porcelain”
98. Favorite amusement park? my bedroom…ha ha…HUGE joke.
99. Favorite concert that you’ve been to? Guster/Barenaked ladies

* * *

March 30th, 2002 | Age: 19 | Music: Animal Chin – Bleed (Acoustic)

 blech. i really do NOT feel like walking all the way to my landlord’s to pay for my pro-rated rent…even though it is right behind collins. muahahaha. me=lazy bastard.

sooo tired. and my neck hurts from craning it last night. damn tall people. but i must say it was a damn good show. the anniversary totally rocked my socks off and dashboard was about ten times better than the last time i saw them.

but i have to keep in mind that the last time i saw dashboard it was with chad the first time i saw him after we broke up. i had so many expectations for that night, since i thought that he still “loved” me and that by listening to the songs he would change his mind and we would go back together to “happily ever after.” Well, I guess I was wrong that night. ANd i just remember the words coming to me as he played and just thinking, thinking that MAYBE chad was feeling the same way about me as Chris was singing. And obviously Chad was unmoved. I guess I should have broken myself free from the idea that music influences EVERYONE’s thoughts and behavior. I can’t be selfish and expect it to always work in my favor. Especially when it involves Chad. but oh well.

at least i realize that now, that i don’t always get what i want by throwing musical variables in peoples’ faces.

anyways, back to the future. back to what really matters. goodbye to yesterday. goodbye to the bittersweet memories of six months ago. i’ve grown. i am stronger.

ANYWAYS…it was the first show i’ve been to all year (except for the one that Scott took me too) that Kristen didn’t go to. Her presence was sadly missed. She is my true concert buddy. Also, I realized that I don’t like going to concerts in a group that is comprised of a majority of females. Focus turns from an “individual” experience to a “collective” experience. Everything gets double-thought and group consensus is always taken. NOOO!! if i try to go somewhere by myself, the whole group follows and questions my move. if someone has to go to the bathroom, at least one other person has to go with them. why can’t people just do things for themselves, by themselves???!!!! grrr…

i guess it’s just that i have gotten so used to going to shows with almost all guys that i’ve never really experienced the “female” concert experience.

all right now, baby it’s all right now.

the ride there was another thing. i hate the radio, and the only tapes i brought were all old Liz Phair bootlegs that weren’t exactly everyone’s listening preferences. and Sarah is so damn stubborn about everything. and she is way to touchy on the brakes. YOU DO NOT BRAKE ON THE HIGHWAY!!! ahhh….that feels better. Just needed to vent.

If only I had my car down here. THEN we’d be driving in style.

And to top it all off, we hit a DEER on the way home and when i saw it front of us i just screamed. because i remembered my parents’ friend who was killed when he hit a deer. and all i could think of was that and i couldn’t help but scream. and sarah was like, “it’s nothing  big…you didn’t have to scream”. And kept mentioning my “blood-curdling” scream. i’m sorry, but when something like that hits too close to a tragedy that has affected you, you can’t help but scream. at least i didn’t pass out, because i felt like doing that also. grrrrrr.

but then again, sarah gets on my nerves whenever we are contained together for a long period of time. No fail. it will happen.

rar.

okay, i need to get dressed to make my hike. damn damn damn.

anyways, to sum these past few days up in one word, i would have to say…interesting.

 * * *

March 30th, 2003 | Age: 20 | Music: None

maybe i have become too bitter with worry for other’s welfare in mind. this bitterness makes me feel evil. i am not usually so bitter and mean, but i guess somewhere down the line something snapped in me and changed. i guess maybe its just a deeper insight into some things and situations.

we’ve walked these lines a million time and each time we drag with is a little more of the past. of mothers’ guilt and fathers’ guts and ditches we never dug. we pull and prod and pry and cry and someday make it past the guillotine. i can see for miles around and everything you have touched is covered in dust and blood. forget the past and forge the future. forget everything you ever tried to do to anyone. forget laughing; forget falling. stumbling, laughing, falling, bleeding. let’s play leap frog. but this time i will move and send you falling chin-first into the gravel. then we’ll see who is laughing.

* * *

March 29th, 2004 | Age: 21 | Music: None

I have this weird feeling in my stomach right now.

Maybe I just had such a good time yesterday that uneventful days feel like shit? Maybe I am just managing to make myself think things I really don’t need to?

I have gotten so damn good at taking things easy (and I mean all aspects of my life here), which is something I was unable to do before. I would worry about every little thing, stay up at night being paranoid and acting out worst-case scenarios in my bed. Those days have been gone for quite some time and I have NO intentions of going back to that. Sometimes though, I start to feel a twinge of “I need to know what is going on…I need structure…I need balance…blah blah blah” but then I am able to talk/think myself out of it via thoughts of how much I am enjoying myself and how trouble-free things are.

These past few months…maybe even the past year…have been a series of steps in the right direction through learning from mistakes and not getting caught up in the thought processes. I don’t want to take the wrong step and fuck everything up.

Yes, there are some things that I crave and I want to know how about, but maybe it’s best just to take things as they are.

See, right here. Writing this out. It just prevented me from thinking the wrong things.

* * *

March 27th, 2005 | Age: 22 | Music: None

 I just got back from Colorado at midnight last night. I miss: mountain time, mountain air, and being 1200 ft above the sea.

Stayed three days in the Denver area at Maren’s aunt’s place in Littleton (wdup Columbine). Ate a lot of burritos and posh seafood entrees. Went out downtown on Saturday. Played photohunt, and saw Jerry Seinfeld. Except it wasn’t Seinfeld. Slept on a couch in the hood of Denver. Sunday I don’t remember what we did. Stayed at a house in Littleton and watched the Incredibles and enjoyed a machine.

On monday we left for the mountains. Stayed in Frisco monday night and passed out. Met up with Ben in Silverthorne on tuesday and went outlet shopping, to Breckenridge, and the Continental Divide. Went out tuesday to a bar in Frisco and got wasted and danced on a bar. Tapped the rockies and was country club drunk. Most of wednesday was spent barfing. Finally we went out to Breckenridge to meet up with Leslie, Matt, and Dave at Dave’s parents’ mountain home. MY GOD. Huge house on Peak 8. Hot tub, three floors, five bedrooms…gorgeous. Dave’s undergrad friends from Miami of Ohio came as well…most are law students in Columbus Ohio. Went out, dirty-danced. Slept in the most comfortable bed ever. Thursday they went skiing, I went adventuring in Breckenridge. Played SPEED QUARTERS and danced for most of the night and then went out to a bar. Lied to the DJ to get him to play the humpty dance. More dirty dancing. We were going to go hot tubbing, but Pete got a DUI and so much drama ensued. Friday went to VAIL with Maren and Leslie and then Maren and I went to Copper and ate Sushi and drank at a Russian bar called Pravda with a Russian.

Saturday went back to Denver and ate and shopped.

Back now.

And I want to study.

* * *

 April 1st, 2008 | Age: 25 | Music: None

 I always feel like a saltlick when I leave the gym. My hair is soaking wet, as is my headband. I don’t even want to talk about my shirt, shorts, socks, etc.

I’m up to 5 miles now. From now until the race, 5 miles a night, with long runs on the weekends and speedwork one night a week towards the end, will be the routine. Bitchin’.

I keep coming on here meaning to post about these profound things and end up posting about these trivial things.

I’ve been spending a lot of time reading over a lot of people’s journals . . . from years ago. It seems like we all had gone through weird stages and all seem to be emerging into a more self-aware, happy (yet boring) state of life.

Some of the things I read make me sad, make me think about things I did (unintentionally, and intentionally) to people and how I made people feel. I’m not dwelling on the past, though. Like I said, we all had our rough times and we’ve all done a lot of growing up.

I’m sorry for prying into your life, yet hurting it at the same time. Maybe it just seemed worse in writing, and maybe it really was nothing. But regardless, I’ve been thinking a lot about you–who I haven’t seen or even really talked to in ages–and how you’ve always been this mystery to me that I wanted to solve, or at least have an idea as to the solution. I just genuinely hope you are happy now, and that you at least kinda know this is about you. I was annoying at times, I know. And even worse, I was hurtful (although unintentional) and I didn’t let it bother me (on the surface). I seemed . . . heartless.

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One thought on “Flashback Friday

  1. Candice says:

    You were pretty pumped about that new AE shirt in the survey….

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