Flashback Friday

Featured in this week’s edition:  NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE! Reflections on why I drink! Loss of a beloved family pet. Lame ass emo shit! SPRING BREAK!

March 25th, 2001 | Age: 18 | Music: Dixie Chicks – Once You’ve Loved Somebody

friday I almost died. I literally almost died. It was one of the scariest things that has ever happened. Jaci, Tim, Justin, and I were rollerblading. We started to go down the firelane between wright and teter, which is extremely steep. before we started down, jaci yelled to the boys that they would have to stop us. justin thought she was joking. so we’re going down, and we just keep going faster and faster. we were estimated at going 35 mph. tim goes to stop jaci and BOOOM they just crash. he got a chunk out of his knee. anyways, justin had already got to the bottom and was waiting at the other side of 7th street, which runs perpendicular to the firelane. so i’m still going fast down the hill, heading into 7th street. i try to stop, but jaci’s stopper is on the opposite foot as mine, so i lose my balance. i finally regain it right before entering onto 7th, and i go to stop the right way but i hit gravel and just went flying across 7th out of control. justin saw what was happening and skated over. I basically tackled him and we went crashing down onto the concrete. luckily, he wsa okay. i would have felt terrible if he would have been hurt. I hit my head really hard and saw stars. I also scraped my elbow. I was very lucky no cars were going down 7th. I would have surely died if there had been. I just kept getting visions of brad pitt’s death scene in meet joe black. so anyways, i felt fine, just had a little headache, and we continued to skate. when i got back, my headache got worse and i had barely any sense of balance. then i went to teter to eat and i just started bawling. i had no control of my emotions. it was so scary. then i started talking like i was drunk. i felt like i had no control over anything. so i get back, call my dad bawling, and he tells me to go to the emergency room. by this time, i had an eggsize bump on the back head. so jaci and tim take me to the emergency room, and i have a mild concussion. so i am very lucky. the doctor said if justin hadn’t of stopped me, i would have definitely broke a bone and would have probably hit my head ten times harder. it was scary.

* * *

March 26th, 2002 | Age: 19 | Music: None

yucky icky. too much work.too much excitement.

dashboard/the anniversary friday.

* * *
March 24th, 2003 | Age: 20 | Music: Rainer Maria
so early. and here i am at the station for my radio show.my insides are being pulled out in every direction possible. too comfortable for my own good. it’s like the time i had my first “boyfriend”, and he lived online. i remembered saying i hoped he didn’t look like matthew sweet.

two days later, guy describing self to friend: “people tell me i look like matthew sweet.”

a week later i get a photo of the guy in the mail, along with a mixtape and a record. there he is in all his glory; a deadringer for matthew sweet.

a day or two later i had to end it. for some reason, i couldn’t stand having my (at the time) worst fear become a reality. that and his e-mails started being addressed to pooky. and he was a great guy…but the pooky thing just could not be tolerated.

sometimes i feel like i totally avoid setting myself up for disaster or proving myself right and wrong. sometimes i put effort in to impossible things just to escape the possible.

sometimes i am afraid. afraid of having a shared happiness. afraid of matthew sweet? maybe at one time; yes.

i am sorry if i have been a mess to deal with lately. i am sorry if i have come off the wrong way to anyone. nothing means a thing. it’s all just a system of ways to avoid meaning.

avoid deep meaning by throwing my heart into the deepfreeze. and maybe this summer i will pull it out and throw it out onto the cutting board. a simple tap from the ice pick could shatter it, and maybe by that time i could appreciate that.

* * *
March 20th, 2004 | Age: 21 | Music: None

Cass’ entry last night has caused for me to think about drinking. More specifically: why do I drink?

In highschool, I was basically the last of my friends to drink (mostly due to the fact that I was friends with pretty much everyone, so there were the super-students / super-christians who would “never drink”)

I had a boyfriend in highschool who drank. My first boyfriend never drank and never wanted to, so it never became an issue. But my second boyfriend drank. I told him I hated it and he still did it. I told him I couldn’t be with him if he drank, but he still did. Even after his obsession with drinking led to him and one of my best friends getting expelled from school…on a related tangent, freshman year of hs 4 of my “bestfriends” got expelled after bringing strawberry daquiris to gym class…ANYWAYS…I remember there was a time when I actually began to “accept” his drinking…we were at a party and he was drunk and we were outside in the pool and the song “Shimmer” by Fuel came on and he jumped out of the pool and grabbed me, screaming “I LOVE THIS SONG!!!” He pulled me by the hand and out in to the yard, where we danced next to the gazebo to that song…it was such a simple moment that the sweetness of it all made me forget he was drunk…

Jump forward a few months and we break up. No big deal, it was coming anyways.

It was also the spring of my senior year. And everywhere there were parties and “places to drink”. Lo and behold, I became the biggest fucking hypocrite and had drinks. I would not drink anymore than like one beer at a time though as I feared “losing control” and was scared of what being drunk would feel like.

In a way, you can say I started to drink as a “revenge mechanism”…which sucks to say. I wanted to show my ex that I was over him by drinking, something that used to be painful to even think about. GEE I AM START. And end of highschool conformity issues probably did not help too much. ;)

As I started to drink, I realized I could get away with things I couldn’t when I was “sober”. Boys would kiss me, and I gained “more” friends. If I did something that could be considered embarassing (and believe me, I ALWAYS DID…fall over, run into something, etc.) it wouldn’t be that big of a deal at school since I was “drinking”.

The first time I got truly drunk was the night after graduation at our SENIOR PARTY. 7 kegs and bands and almost everyone I graduated with…YIKES. I stayed up the whole night and made out with the boy I had a crush on, along with another who I didn’t. I realized that even though I was “drunk”, I could still somewhat control myself to “get what I want”.

So, second mechanism drinking served: TOOL FOR GETTING WHAT I WANT WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK TOO HARD/MAKE EXCUSES

As the summer progressed, I tried to finetune this “skill” of controlled drunkeness, but of course right before school started I lost all control and blacked out and something horrible happened. I stopped drinking for about a month, as this was really serious.

But college started and eventually, I found myself having a drink…I mean, it is COLLLEEEEGGGGEEE after all. Freshman year I was a DRUNK. Sophomore year, didn’t drink too much but I had also started the year off dating Chad, who didn’t approve of me drinking so I didn’t to keep him happy (JUMP FORWARD: we break up, he has his first drink). After we broke up I didn’t drink for awhile. I rarely drank that year, and when I did…it was with my GIRLS. Yes, I drank in a small environment with only my closest friends. We would make each other laugh and do crazy things….it was great. :) Junior year…didn’t really drink too much until I stumbled across Boone’s…was hanging out with diff people and drinking became more and more common…led to me getting ticketed for minor consumption (YAY)…became 21…drinking was a “rite of passage”..started going to the bars and buying lots of alcohol to make my friends happy…liked the bars…it was a way to get past being shy…senior year….drunk all over again.

I prefer to only drink in environments that I can “control”. I hate being out of control and in a way am a “control freak” when it comes to myself. Sometimes tension builds up and I feel like I need to “lose control”…this happens maybe twice a year and ends up in me drinking too fast to know when to stop and me getting sick. Now I drink more for boredom than social acceptance. totally boredom all the way. But I do know that I have had some of my most fun times this year when I was completely sober. I do know that I don’t have to drink to have fun, and yet I see myself with a drink in my hand. I know that this school year and summer are my last chances to even come close to being irresponsible so I am also using that as an excuse I guess…blah. heh heh.

I have had a lot of really bad experiences from drinking and yet I continue to do it. It baffles me, but at the same time…it’s somewhat expected. Why do I do it? I guess sometimes I just can’t think of anything else to do or need an excuse for something.

* * *

March 18th, 2005 | Age: 22 | Music: None

Right now I am in Denver. I just had Chipotle for the first time. We head to the mountains for the week on monday. Frisco, Vail, Red Rocks, and Breckinridge.

While we were driving through Nebraska a tumbleweed blew across the road. And there were longhorns.

* * *

March 19th, 2008 | Age: 25 | Music: None

My dog was put to sleep on Monday. She was fourteen years old.

And then this morning I check my e-mail and have some notification from that “compare people” app on facebook saying that my weakness is “smartest.” So basically again everybody thinks I’m dumb. What more do I have to do to prove that I am smart?! I know I’m smart, I just don’t like talking smart stuff all the time–it gets boring to me. So now I am going to have this insecurity thing again that everyone thinks I’m stupid again. Just like in highschool when this guy was SHOCKED to find out that I was in the top of my class. It made me insecure enough that I actually ORDERED and WORE the patch for my letterman’s jacket which said I made it in to the 1300 Club, an honor for athletes who had over 1300 on their SATs. I mean, who cares that I got a 31 on the ACT, or that I graduated magna cum laude (high honors) from law school? I’m just stupid, right?

And I should just add that I know I am being irrational and I don’t expect to be the “smartest” out of everyone, but the STUPIDEST?! COME ON!!!

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One thought on “Flashback Friday

  1. catrocketship says:

    I really, really wish all my old blogs were still online so that I could do this. It would be so fun to go back and laugh at sillier, young me who was so very emo ALL THE TIME.

    I’m glad you didn’t die whilst rollerblading, though. I sure can’t get the hang of it.

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